Molasses Joe's Chili
                     (with a bit of help from Don Henley)

Put in:

* Anything you can find that would work in chili.  Lots of it.

Chop it, simmer it, and enjoy it.

Sample the vegetables and fungus as you wish.  (When making two batches
(mild and hot), I even taste the hotter chilis to see whether they're too
hot for the mild pot.  Don't do this unless 1> you enjoy setting your
tongue on fire, 2> you're a masochist, or 3> you're a perfectionist.  Set
a high threshold for the mild pot; the chilis will get tremendously
milder as they cook.)

That's the real recipe.  In particular, it may include:

* Tomato sauce (not too much:  Maybe a 15-oz can per pound of meat)
* Tomato paste
* Water or Mexican beer (only as needed)
* Mushrooms
* Red, yellow, or orange (Mmmm) (or any other color but green) bell peppers
* A large variety of chilis, finely chopped and/or pureed.  (Red ancho or
  anaheim peppers are recommended, but also use jalapenos and anything
  (and everything) else that looks good.)  Remove the seeds first.  Wash
  your hands after handling them.  The "heat" is in the peppers' oil, and
  the oil will get on anything you touch.  Don't rub your eyes!
* Chopped meat, browned and *drained* before dumping into the mixture.
* Red and/or yellow onions (and onion powder)
* Cayenne powder (to add heat)
* Chili powder (lots!)  (I particularly recommend chipotle chili powder.)
* Garlic (fresh, or from a jar, powder, paste, or all of these)
* Salt (be generous)
* Black pepper
* Paprika
* Creole and/or Cajun seasoning
* Cumin
* Oregano
* Tabasco sauce (or other brand of hot/red pepper sauce)

Highly optional:
* Masa (corn) flour, if you can find it.  (Try a health food cooperative,
  like Albany's "Honest Weight Food Coop" on Central Ave.)  Use it in a
  roux (just cooking it for a long time might also substitute; I'm
  unsure); otherwise, it's best left out (as I discovered the hard way).
* Coriander or cilantro (which I avoid using here)
* Crushed or chopped tomatoes (for which I do not care)
* Cubed beef or ham.  (A very good idea, but I haven't done it yet.)
* Dill

Save some chopped onion and bell pepper to go in a half-hour before
finishing cooking.  Adjust seasonings occasionally, and don't be scared
of the spices - for a big batch, you need a frightening amount of each.
On the flip side, beware of overpowering the flavor with too much of one
spice.  There's a huge margin between too little and too much, so you
needn't worry about the exact amounts.

Cook it as long as you wish, adding water only if necessary (extra water
means sacrificing flavor for consistency, which is not worth it), and
stirring frequently.  Make sure to scrape the bottom.  Don't burn it.  (Judge
this by how it resists scraping.  If you do burn it, don't scrape the
bottom any more!  It'll make the whole batch taste like cat food.)  Never
take it off the heat shortly after adding water; you'll want it
concentrated.

For delicious results, let the leftovers or (better yet) the entire batch sit
in the fridge (after cooling) for a day before reheating and serving.
(Microwaves are just dandy for this.)  Bonus:  If you do plan to let the
entire batch sit overnight, you don't have to cook it very long, which
means less chance to screw it up.  The flavors will disperse properly even in
the fridge.

No convenient measurements of ingredients or cooking time is given - this
is a very free-form meal to make.  Adjust the spices to taste as you go,
and let the sauce/meat/spices cook while you wash, chop, and add the
multitudinous vegetables.  (Add the chilis before the other veggies; they
count as spices for this purpose.)  Also, feel free to ignore any of my
advice (except the bit about not scraping if you burn it) - there are few
"rules" for chili.  Go nuts.
                                         - Blimix

"In fact, let's get one thing straight right now: True, authentic 'chili'
does not--I repeat, NOT--have beans in it. Beans are a separate dish to
be relished and revered in their own right. When you put beans in chili,
you insult both the beans AND the chili."  -- Don Henley