The Book of Quotations

  1. "What was that popping sound?"
    "That was a paradigm shifting without a clutch." - Scott Adams
  2. "Thank you, sir. May I be excused from your paradigm now?" - Erin
  3. "Dare you speak to me of crime / And the price you had to pay? / Every man is born in sin, / Every man must choose his way." - Javert, in the musical "Les Miserables"
  4. "I'm not a bitter misogynist, but I play one on the Web." - Blimix
  5. "Reality is only an audio-visual aid." - Jason Mutford1
  6. "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." - Nietzsche
  7. "Let me put it this way. If there were a lot more people like us, the world would be a very cool place. If there were a lot more people like Malinee, the world would be enlightened." - Blimix
  8. "If every love were well-defined, romance novels would be one word long." - Jason Mutford1
  9. "And all work is empty save when there is love;" - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
  10. "It's only work if somebody makes you do it." - Calvin and Hobbes
  11. "I plagiarized this statement." - Jason Mutford1
  12. "Can they fly?" asked Roo.
    "Yes," said Tigger, "they're very good flyers, Tiggers are. Stornry good flyers."
    "Oo!" said Roo. "Can they fly as well as Owl?"
    "Yes," said Tigger. "Only they don't want to."
    - A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner.
  13. "Joe, I think your moves are already busted." - The Beavinator, upon Blimix's attempt to bust a move.
  14. "It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math." - "When Harry Met Sally"
  15. "'Warning: Protected by a Radio Shack security system.' What is that, an invitation?" - Blimix
  16. "There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for the boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him; what he been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most; when they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain't through learning - because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so. When you starts measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is." - Mama, from "A Raisin in the Sun" by Lorraine Hansberry.
  17. "The guy was such a scumbag, when I left the place I felt like if I looked back I'd turn into a pillar of salt." - Blimix
  18. "Resistance isn't futile. It provides amusement for others at the very least." - Beaners
  19. "Act never without certainty, act never without patience, but when you act, act decisively, and don't look back." - Grant Gould
  20. "You two have a lot in common. You're both arrogant..." - Diazla
    "Yeah, but I'm justified in being arrogant." - Blimix
  21. "The IRS, money, even sleep dep -- these things are so ephemeral, but love and happiness..." - Andromeda
  22. "Oh, and remember that every cynic was once a romantic who got burned; in love you risk even the stakes you didn't put on the table." - Grant Gould
  23. On advice: "When asked for it is rarely needed, when needed it is rarely good, and when good it is rarely understood." - Blimix
  24. "Rest assured, I hold your opinion in every bit as high a regard as it deserves." - Blimix
  25. "The opinions of worthless people are worthless." - Salvor Hardin, from Isaac Asimov, Foundation
  26. "For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly." - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
  27. "What color do smurfs turn when you choke them?"
  28. "You know, the guy who looks like he was the winner on 'Win Ben Stein's Hair'." - Blimix
  29. "A blessing? Okay. May all of your thirty-four children lead happy lives." - Blimix
  30. "Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves." - Ambrose Bierce
  31. "We are Christians. Prepare to be assimilated." - Bishop
  32. "Sorry, you don't have root access to reality; you're just a user." - Jason Mutford1
  33. "My rabbit has a human foot on its keychain. That's not the scary part. What I want to know is what those keys are for." - "Rabbit Valley" by The Four Postmen
  34. "She is the exception to every rule."2 - Blimix
  35. "We don't make much sense, but we sure like pizza!" - Motto of the Non-Sequitor Society
  36. "They dedicate their lives to running all of his." - Metallica, "The Unforgiven"
  37. "Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased." - Mike Callahan
  38. "Are you a hand? Or an eye? Or a tooth?" - the Norns, in Neil Gaiman's "Sandman"
  39. "To a fool, he who speaks wisdom seems foolish." - Euripides
  40. "She told me you were very smart, and she told me you were very beautiful. And I must say, you are very beautiful." - Bishop, on a blind date.
    "Oh thaaaank youu!" - His date.
  41. "You are a reject from the factory of society."
  42. "He's smarter than me put together." - Blimix
  43. "Joe's weird enough to turn normal during a full moon." - Danny
  44. "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
  45. "Are you tired of the three shades of SUNY gray: The concrete, the sky, and the food?" - From an Albany State Outing Club advertisement by Stephanie Gray
  46. Bide the Wiccan Law ye must,
    In perfect love, in perfect trust.
    Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill:
    And ye harm none, do what ye will.
    Lest in thy self-defense it be,
    Ever mind the Rule of three
    Follow this with mind and heart,
    And merry ye meet,
    And merry ye part.
  47. "I have rarely been hurt worse than by people lying to avoid hurting me." - Blimix
  48. "Evil is still evil, in anybody's name." - Don Henley, "If Dirt Were Dollars"
  49. "I want to find a woman who is always right, so that she will never disagree with me." - Blimix
  50. "In fact, let's get one thing straight right now: True, authentic "chili" does not--I repeat, NOT--have beans in it. Beans are a separate dish to be relished and revered in their own right. When you put beans in chili, you insult both the beans AND the chili." - Don Henley
  51. "I'm holding your philosophy for ransom." - Jason Mutford1
  52. "Hello. Do you mind if I make idle, pointless conversation while we wait?" - Blimix
  53. "I thought I was the King Of The Duck Calls, but I was wrong. *You're* the King Of The Duck Calls!" - Eight-year-old customer to Blimix
  54. "Son, you are a walking violation of the laws of nature. But we don't enforce them laws." - "Any Which Way You Can"
  55. "I'm a child of the eighties looking for a woman of the nineties. When I found a woman of the nineties she slapped me in the face." - Jason Levinson
  56. "Watch out; there's a shake coming at you." - A serious (if surreal) warning given to Blimix
  57. "Excuse me." - Jaime
    "Consider yourself excused." - Blimix
    "Well, thank you!" - Jaime
    "I didn't say it would be correct to do so." - Blimix
  58. "Have they been making this noise all night, or is this some kind of surreal intermission?" - Blimix to the waitress, after listening to the band for a couple of minutes.
  59. "I like my pizza like I like my women: Hot, steamy, and covered in pepperoni." - Blimix
  60. "Hey Joe, how did you escape natural selection?" - "Bruno," not about me
  61. "Anyone who is not paranoid is not observant enough." - Blimix
  62. "If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?" - Bumper sticker
  63. "Because I'm just against, period. Now it just happens to be you at the end of that sentence." - Neil
  64. "You know, there are some things I could die without seeing." - Diazla
    "Does that mean had you seen it, you'd be immortal?" - Blimix
  65. "Wake me when we're beautiful." - The Jester
  66. "Is 'straight up' the negation of 'on the rocks'?" - Blimix
    "I think so, but you could just ask for 'no ice' to be sure." - Gbob
    "I just wanted to confirm it, since I didn't want to sound silly, asking for 'a Shirley Temple straight up'." - Blimix
  67. "Did you know, if you kiss two people with mono at the same time, you can get stereo?" - Joe Glickman
  68. "You don't test someone's loyalty by asking him to betray himself." - Blimix
  69. "And yet," Taran said, as he swung astride Melynlas, "alas, you never told me the secret of your luck."
    "Secret?" replied Llonio. "Have you not already guessed? Why my luck's no greater than yours or any man's. You need only sharpen your eyes to see your luck when it comes, and sharpen your wits to use what falls into your hands."
    - Lloyd Alexander, Taran Wanderer
  70. "They are purified by defilement with blood, as if one were to step into mud and wash it off with mud." - Heraclitus
  71. "Never poop while you're tripping. It's like giving birth to your long-lost siamese twin."
  72. "The most important thing to remember about sword-chucks is that they are nearly as dangerous to your opponent as they are to you." - Fighter, 8-bit Theater
  73. "The nice thing about Renaissance fairs is that the people are *acting*. That means that they have other personalities. Whereas the SCA..." - Neil
  74. "I want to explore the world before it explodes." - Shirah
  75. "Laugh about it if you can; for love makes fools of us all, and fools are meant to be laughed at." - Blimix
  76. "Jesus forgot the safeword." - Blimix
  77. "Can fish live in the Dead Sea?" - John
    "No, it's too salty." - Laura
    "Well, can anchovies live there?" - John
  78. If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
    If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
    If you want happiness for a month, get married.
    If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.
    If you want happiness for a lifetime, help others.
    - Chinese proverb

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1. Attributions to Jason Mutford do indeed refer to the possibly apocryphal "Jason Mutford, Internet Legend," whom I refuse to honor with his customary title, on the grounds that it has prefabricated an underground Kibo-ish (though perhaps not undeserved) fame.
2. Quotations: 41

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